Everything doesn't work out the way it should. Nothing satisfies the exspected standards.
No one to express the storm of emotions to.
Fear. Love. Loneliness. Peace. Anger.
It is only me, who can cope with myself and the unfightable pile of unsolved problems.
When the phase of unhappiness starts there's no other way than to face it.
The matter of fact that there's neither electricity, nor running water in the childrens' home right now gives the right atmosphere to feel depressed.
Right now there are a couple of things which made my heart feel heavy like a sinking stone.
Even if I am doing well with my to-do-list I still feel like I haven't reached anything (important).
I guess we all know this feeling of doing a lot without receiving any fair results (aka school >.<).
For example in the last weeks I've been applying to a bunch of the big companies around Nairobi for an unpaid internship. By foot I went with Lisa for hours through industrial area giving letters and school certificates to factories like Weetabix, Nestlé, Manji, Coca Cola, Cadbury, Unilever, etc..
No replies.
My visa, which I've been extending for the past six months is about to expire by next week.
So now I was offered two options. Either I'll leave Kenya latest on Monday - come back to the country or stay out/home. Or I'll bribe. So the only possible option for me to extend my stay here in kenya is to pay a good amount of money. This news ruined my day completely. For me it's morally reprehensible to take action in corruption. I'm one of the biggest haters of corruption - no matter how much it benefits me.
Fuck! If I'd get into an alcoblow control and I've been drinking - they should take and judge me! It's better for the rest of the society. In a healthy society (here democracy?) you'll have to follow rules. If you don't want to bow down go look for a place full of anarchy. Good luck for that.
However since I am really not ready and not prepared for leaving the countries in 4 days... I'll have to make an exeption.
At least I am not directly affecting or harming others. In fact I'm benefiting the country, advertising it and keeping the economy flowing by spending my money.... ;D
The thought of going home earlier (even if it might be just one month) makes me feel unbelievable happy and
incredibly sad at the same time.
A little bit of homesickness occurs nowadays. Okay it's more like the persuit of some privileges way back home. Secureness is the main thing I miss. Walking alone in the streets at 4 am in the morning. And independence. Perfection. Organisation. The freedom of individuality. And of course there are also people I miss. Even more than I would ever admit.
On the other hand.. Everytime I start thinking about leaving Kenya I start panicking and tears fill up my eyes.
Especially saying good-bye to the kids in Heritage makes me feel bad and hurt! They're bringing so much joy into my life. Making my day, every day!
Wanjiku, one of my closest "Babies" (she is 4 years old), makes it hardest. She gave herself another name: Happiness. And so she is! She is like the candle in the room next door, enlightning the whole microcosmos! That's why I decided to call her Little Ms. Sunshine.
Only when it's dark like now, no electricity in the whole building, she turns into a quiet, shy girl, not able to move away from the candle or a person which gives her safety.
There's a reason why I got the kenyan flag tattooed when I came here in 2012. I'm a patriotist.
This is a sentence I thought I'd never say. In Germany.
Whoop and suddenly I'm feeling better... Writing is my psychologist. (And Waldes and his chum-chums(kisses) )
Here's my song of the day.
"I AIN'T GONNA BE PART OF THIS SYSTEM! I'M AN ADUUULT!"
(threw it on the ground - the lonely island)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAYL5H46QnQ
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