Many of my blogreaders know me very well. Some of them don't.
Most people, who know me know how much I love myself.
Nowadays.
It hasn't always been like this. Of course not.
We all remember the way people raised us in the course of:
"Love yourself the way you are/god made us!"
It's easy to say but hard to live.
All of us have their problemzones and troubles with themselves, some more and others less.
For me it was a long and hard way to learn to love myself.
I used to have issues with myself. All of them.
For most people it's hard to imagine how it is to grow up in a white country as a black.
Yeah in Germany I'm black.
I remember myself at the time I went to kindergarten, how I used to cry at my parents:
I want to be white. I want blonde & straight hair. I want to be named Hanna. I want to be like the others.
As a black child I was always part of/or THE minority.
Let me give you a few examples for illustrating.
- When I went to camp as a kid I mostly was the only black kid between 250 others
- In Highschool (class 5-12), except of me and my brother there were two other blacks (ok point 5s) out of over 900 students
- In my village we're the only black family, most of the time
It wasn't easy for me to handle being obviously different from the rest of the society.
Surprisingly I never really had experiences with people being racist.
So it suggested itself that the issues towards myself started very early.
Having a birthmark in the middle of my face didn't make it any better!
My biggest trouble for quite a long time. People made me think about it a lot by calling the mark, stripes in my face or butterfly-face.
I hated this birthmark!
Everyone tells me "It makes you so special!"- as if there aren't enough other attributes, which make me extraordinary.
My parents told me, that when I'm old enough they'll pay me my make up to cover it, if I'd feel better.
When I was 14 I went to London and returned with make up for over 100€/10000Ksh.
Instead of helping myself it even made it worse!
Every evening I had to face (haha) the differency to what I wanted to look like and the reality shown in the mirror.
My mother finally went with me to the best specialists in dermatology. The only and last chance to figure out if there's any way to remove the birthmark.
The doctor told me there are three opportunities:
1. Solarradiation treatment - which would age my skin very quickly and increase the risk of skincancer
2. Skin implantation - remove skin from eg. the buttocks and fix it cm after cm into my face. A long procedure after I'd probably look like a patchwork carpet.
3. Camouflage make up - I already had that...
After the clinic visit I fell into a hole of depression and desperation. -Until I decided that there's no other way than to accept it.
From this day I started taking it the way it is. Without make up.
This was the best arbitration I ever made.
I'm still not the biggest fan of the birthmark in my face but my family and friends help me to learn to love it.
In times of tattoes and piercings it's kind of another form of (born) individualisation.
If you now think this was my only problem, let me proof you wrong!
All the typical girlish inferiority complexes - I had them.
- It started off with my curly hair. I hated it. For years I was wearing capes and hats to hide it. After that phase I used to straighten it c-o-m-p-l-e-t-e-l-y. Continuosly and for another 2 years.
- Funny but there was a time I found my teeth ugly. So much that I tried finding ways not to show them.
- It bothered me being tiny. I was close to taking growth hormones. I'm still not even 1,60m tall/small but I discovered te magic of highheels ;)
- The classic: I found myself too fat. After a bad break-up I stopped eating 'til I almost got seriously anorexic. Thank god I had friends, which pulled me out of that devils circle.
- I used to dislike myself in forms of character. So badly that I couldn't stand being alone with myself. At this time I tried being around people 24/7.
- Last but not least I had this ex-boyfriend, who really fucked up with my selfesteem & psyche. He used to tell me how less brains I have, no horizon and morality. He dumbed me down as if I was an uneducated person of a lower class.
- Oh and the latest issue: What are my talents?! This feeling of not having a passion and capability like others in being a good drawer, sportsman, singer, fast-learner etc.
I searched for my talent without success. I've never been the best in anything - juts average.
So maybe you can imagine the dimension of what I ment by saying I had a long and hard way to accept and find myself.
How I made it to the ego which tries to break throw the ceiling?
I think it's the way my ex-boyfriend pulled me down to the very bottom of respecting myself.
It was so extreme I begged my parents to send my to a psychologist. They refused. (Wise people)
However every down has to be followed by an up. And since my down was so immense I came up the stronger and better. Imani 2.0! :D
I recovered and made myself to the person I always wanted to be.
Studying my own psychology and asking for troubles and needs helped me clearing up with myself.
Seing possibilities instead of issues!
And why should I bother myself with things I can't change?
My character and psyche went through a lot.
Nowadays my character is as hard to describe as my style since I am a bit of everything and everyone.
It's the way I absorb the positive characteristics from my surrounding and integrate them into my character.
I guess that's why I get along with almost everyone - there's always a common part!
I built myself - Supermania. I found peace in myself.
Being the person I want to be gives me strength, prudency and dignity.
Sometimes too much - if I'm honest. But what shall I do? I'm the King! Queen! Whatever..
I don't even need someone to love me. I'm in charge of enough love for me, myself, everyone who asks for it and the rest of the world!
Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna burst because of all that love (to myself) that I really need to get a whole bunch of children I can spread my love to.
It should be enough for a whole soccer team of kids ;)
About my name: I wouldn't trade the world for my name anymore! (Especially not for Hannah). Best choice my paerents!
About the talents: I can say that I'm on a good way of finding them but also not in a hurry anymore. Anyway I think my talent has something to do with creativity. Especially in foodcreating. And understanding people, since I went through so many phases of myself.
P.S.: My biggest secret to being happy: Being a HEDONIST. I do whatever I want to do and no one can stop me. There's not even a problem to embarassing myself as long as it's fun!
I don't limit or stop myself. (Unless it harms others)
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Yeah in Germany I'm black.
I remember myself at the time I went to kindergarten, how I used to cry at my parents:
I want to be white. I want blonde & straight hair. I want to be named Hanna. I want to be like the others.
As a black child I was always part of/or THE minority.
Let me give you a few examples for illustrating.
- When I went to camp as a kid I mostly was the only black kid between 250 others
 |
| my politics course in school. Mzungus + Imani Btw the second guy from the right in the back was my teacher. |
- In my village we're the only black family, most of the time
It wasn't easy for me to handle being obviously different from the rest of the society.
Surprisingly I never really had experiences with people being racist.
So it suggested itself that the issues towards myself started very early.
Having a birthmark in the middle of my face didn't make it any better!
My biggest trouble for quite a long time. People made me think about it a lot by calling the mark, stripes in my face or butterfly-face.
I hated this birthmark!
Everyone tells me "It makes you so special!"- as if there aren't enough other attributes, which make me extraordinary.
My parents told me, that when I'm old enough they'll pay me my make up to cover it, if I'd feel better.
When I was 14 I went to London and returned with make up for over 100€/10000Ksh.
Instead of helping myself it even made it worse!
Every evening I had to face (haha) the differency to what I wanted to look like and the reality shown in the mirror.
My mother finally went with me to the best specialists in dermatology. The only and last chance to figure out if there's any way to remove the birthmark.
The doctor told me there are three opportunities:
1. Solarradiation treatment - which would age my skin very quickly and increase the risk of skincancer
2. Skin implantation - remove skin from eg. the buttocks and fix it cm after cm into my face. A long procedure after I'd probably look like a patchwork carpet.
3. Camouflage make up - I already had that...
After the clinic visit I fell into a hole of depression and desperation. -Until I decided that there's no other way than to accept it.
From this day I started taking it the way it is. Without make up.
This was the best arbitration I ever made.
I'm still not the biggest fan of the birthmark in my face but my family and friends help me to learn to love it.
In times of tattoes and piercings it's kind of another form of (born) individualisation.
If you now think this was my only problem, let me proof you wrong!
All the typical girlish inferiority complexes - I had them.
- It started off with my curly hair. I hated it. For years I was wearing capes and hats to hide it. After that phase I used to straighten it c-o-m-p-l-e-t-e-l-y. Continuosly and for another 2 years.
- Funny but there was a time I found my teeth ugly. So much that I tried finding ways not to show them.
- It bothered me being tiny. I was close to taking growth hormones. I'm still not even 1,60m tall/small but I discovered te magic of highheels ;)
- The classic: I found myself too fat. After a bad break-up I stopped eating 'til I almost got seriously anorexic. Thank god I had friends, which pulled me out of that devils circle.
- I used to dislike myself in forms of character. So badly that I couldn't stand being alone with myself. At this time I tried being around people 24/7.
- Last but not least I had this ex-boyfriend, who really fucked up with my selfesteem & psyche. He used to tell me how less brains I have, no horizon and morality. He dumbed me down as if I was an uneducated person of a lower class.
- Oh and the latest issue: What are my talents?! This feeling of not having a passion and capability like others in being a good drawer, sportsman, singer, fast-learner etc.
I searched for my talent without success. I've never been the best in anything - juts average.
So maybe you can imagine the dimension of what I ment by saying I had a long and hard way to accept and find myself.
How I made it to the ego which tries to break throw the ceiling?
I think it's the way my ex-boyfriend pulled me down to the very bottom of respecting myself.
It was so extreme I begged my parents to send my to a psychologist. They refused. (Wise people)
However every down has to be followed by an up. And since my down was so immense I came up the stronger and better. Imani 2.0! :D
I recovered and made myself to the person I always wanted to be.
Studying my own psychology and asking for troubles and needs helped me clearing up with myself.
Seing possibilities instead of issues!
And why should I bother myself with things I can't change?
My character and psyche went through a lot.
Nowadays my character is as hard to describe as my style since I am a bit of everything and everyone.
It's the way I absorb the positive characteristics from my surrounding and integrate them into my character.
I guess that's why I get along with almost everyone - there's always a common part!
I built myself - Supermania. I found peace in myself.
Being the person I want to be gives me strength, prudency and dignity.
I don't even need someone to love me. I'm in charge of enough love for me, myself, everyone who asks for it and the rest of the world!
Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna burst because of all that love (to myself) that I really need to get a whole bunch of children I can spread my love to.
It should be enough for a whole soccer team of kids ;)
About my name: I wouldn't trade the world for my name anymore! (Especially not for Hannah). Best choice my paerents!
About the talents: I can say that I'm on a good way of finding them but also not in a hurry anymore. Anyway I think my talent has something to do with creativity. Especially in foodcreating. And understanding people, since I went through so many phases of myself.
P.S.: My biggest secret to being happy: Being a HEDONIST. I do whatever I want to do and no one can stop me. There's not even a problem to embarassing myself as long as it's fun!
I don't limit or stop myself. (Unless it harms others)
Fuck you haters, screw you ex. It's my time now!
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